The last two weeks of 2004 were great. I had a bunch of unused vacation days to use or lose before the end of the year, so I took a long vacation for the last two weeks of the year, plus change. Did we go anywhere special? Nope; we just had a relaxing holiday time hanging around the house, being lazy and having fun.

Oh, and we got married.

So I'm now her sub-hubby. Her boi-wife. Her legal slave as well as her spiritual slave, LOL. Our marriage was a simple justice-of-the-peace affair, which was mildly surreal in some ways. I did appreciate, however, the very secular vows that were part and parcel of the JOP ceremony. There was not a hint of the "g" word in there, nor any even remotely religious slant in the wording of the vows. They were actually very sweet and surprisingly moving.

But really, the "married" part is just a formality for us, a legal detail that enables her to be covered by my better insurance, and may provide some tax breaks for us. (The less money we give our evil-doing gubmint, the better IMO.) Our actual marriage was more than a year ago when she formally collared me. We don't wear wedding bands. Instead, I have her permanent collar around my neck, and we have mutual tattoos (in Kanji) of each other's names. That's a bit more symbolic than a ring you can slip of, methinks.

As for the other fun things we did over the holiday, we had a lot of lazy spontaneous sex. A few good "play" sessions mixed in here and there. Lots of going out for dinner or theatre or a double date or whathaveyou. Saw a couple great movies (you must see "The Life Aquatic"). Had a really nice double date with a femdom we've become friendly with. Raven actually offered me for "loan" to my delight, and I hope we continue to develop a nice relationship with this very cool woman. Somehow or another, we also managed to have the recently-vacated apartment next door rented out to another female dominant we know somewhat from a mutual circle of friends. The entire upper floor of our four-plex is now kink-friendly, LOL, and we share a common balcony. What will the coming year bring? I'm surrounded by female dominants; oh my!

The past couple weeks have been very fun and bonding for Raven and me. The new emphasis on 24/7 forced femme for me (except when at work, which is the only exception) has been very enjoyable for both of us. In public together I am less and less "andro" and more and more overtly femmed-up. First thing Saturday mornings, for example, I put polish on my fingernails, and the polish doesn't come off till I head into the office on Tuesday mornings (I usually work at home on Mondays). I go out in skirts more, with either fishnets or cool, punky tights. When I wear jeans, it's usually with very feminine boots. Much more overtly feminine shirts, eye makeup, lipstick, jewelry, etc. We get looks but they're mostly approving. I love the feeling of control engendered by knowing I can't get casual and dress sloppy like a dude.

Raven keeps getting more and more turned on by the kinkiness of it, the exhibitionistic aspects of it, and the obvious symbolism of it. More and more she gets turned on enough to jump me, throw me down and fuck me, or spontaneously want to otherwise dominate me with a little play or otherwise be sexual. I seem to get a lot of spontaneous spankings, throw-downs on the bed or floor, etc.

Just because my boss grabs me in the hallway and says "join me for lunch so we can talk about that thing" doesn't mean I am freed from the protocol of first asking Raven whether I can drop the lunch plans/assignment she gave me to go with my boss instead. Even if it means making up a story he can accept such as "I promised Raven I'd run an errand for her at lunch, so please let me check something with her first." Protocols are protocols. It's up to me to be creative and figure out how to deal with the demands of a vanilla work life when they come into conflict with my protocols.

Working backward from tonight's Halloween fun:

Raven and I went to see an interesting amateur film contest called Blood Shots at the local alternative theatre/drafthouse. 19 films made in 48 hours with some kind of scary/horror theme. As with most of these things, much of the fare was so-so or even bad, but there were a few good gems in there. She went in a sharp gothy shirt and simple black skirt, and I wore my long gothy dress and goth boots, with very smoky black eye makeup that Raven helped me with. I don't even feel self-conscious in full femme wear these days. Since my last post here, we've stuck with the new plan of me being totally femmed 24/7 at home or out in public, and we're both loving it. The only concession I make is leaning a bit towards the "rock star" androgynous look if we're going to a public place where I'm likely to run into folks from my work. Even then, I'm usually wearing a purse and some simple make-up, and my fingernails are painted if its the weekend. When we're out in a place/time I don't expect to encounter folks from work, I'm usually fully femmed, often wearing a skirt and fishnets or some such.

Today before heading to a friends house to hand out candy for trick or treaters, Raven had me go into our favorite cosmetics store to buy a brush while she went into a party store to pick up sticky tooth-decay substances for the neighborhood imps and goblins. I was in my full goth dress with heavy makeup and black fingernails. There were three girls at the counter, and I ended up with the girl in the center. She took my brush and while she was ringing it up said: "So are you going to a halloween party tonight?"

With my best deadpan delivery, I said: "Oh, it's halloween today?"

She just stared at me in shock. The two other girls' heads whipped to look at me simultaneously. I let it hang for a second and then grinned and laughed heartily. The girl gave a relieved laugh and said "I had no idea what to say to that--I just thought oh my god I've probably just horribly offended a customer."

---

On to a couple days ago: Raven and I have been playing Guild Wars during a special preview event weekend. It's one of those Massive Online RPGs, sorta. Our characters are *very* sexy looking, and I was wise-cracking about how "we is two sexay bitches" in my best pimp-daddy voice. She was looking at me in shock and telling me to stop referring to our characters as "bitches," but I was on a role and in fine bratty mode so I kept whipping out the b-word in my pimp-daddy voice. Finally she dragged me into the kitchen, got her fingers wet with water and dish soap, and jammed her fingers in my mouth several times to rub dish soap on my tongue. Then she made me hold it in my mouth while she grabbed my balls and squeezed hard until my eyes were watering and I was squeaking hysterically. Having gotten my attention, she forbade me to use the b-word to refer to women ever again, even in jest. She said that part of my learning to be femmed 24/7 was going to involve breaking me of some mannerisms and language that are typically guy-like.

I think Raven is really enjoying the prospect and the challenge of enforcing a real 24/7 change in my appearance and demeanor to be increasingly more feminine looking and acting, with an emphasis on teaching me to be a good little slutty companion and toy. She's decreed that I let my hair grow really long again, and we will be actively looking for playmates and potential poly partners now, to allow her to play more with cuckolding themes and having me be the slutty bottom bitch who has to help her get any other male playmates/lovers hot and bothered, and training me to *eagerly* beg to suck or be fucked by other males.

This is all a huge turn on for me as well; it's really an ultimate form of control and domination of my body, appearance, psyche, and emotions.

No, this post isn't about a cool bondage scene involving girls. Unfortunately. Instead it's about the cliche that one way women bond is by going out shopping together. In our genderbent relationship, Raven had a lot of "dude" energy and I had a lot of "girl" energy. She was happy in blue jeans, a leather jacket with paint on the elbow, and one pair of sneakers. I had more feminine clothes than you could fit in one closet. She'd prefer shopping at Buffalo Exchange, and felt distinctly uncomfortable in typical mallrat princess stores like Express, Limited, Charlotte Ruse, etc.

Over time, our tastes have predictably merged to suit each other more. She goes after a more "femme" style of dress, skirts and all. I'm less mall-rat and more andro-gothy-slut. She still prefers me more overtly feminine than masculine, as much as possible, because it keeps me more subby and sex-oriented and less in guy mind, but also because she really gets off on the total contrast of my typically driven guy-like confidence being wrapped up in a visually feminine package. Plus she's just always had a thing for femmy boys like the Japanese pop culture tends to create in their male idoru.

So we often find going shopping for clothes to be a bonding and sexually provocative experience. It doesn't matter if we're looking for clothes for her or for me. This weekend we took a spontaneous trip to the outlet mall in San Marcos, to look for some clothes for her to wear to her state boards and on interviews. I was her fashion advisor, helping her to pick out black pants and white button up shirt that were professional yet adorably cute and trendy, along with a really great black coat along the same lines. I'm going into the dressing rooms with her and honestly critiquing the fit of the pants or whatever until we find the ones that are perfectly complementary and flattering to her body. I have a lot of experience with all this--you try finding women's clothing (especially juniors fashions) that fits a 5'10" male body with broad shoulders. Despite the fact that I have a very feminine ass and legs, I still have a typically male waist and broad shoulders and biceps much larger than your typical woman even of my height. I know from hard experience that pants especially are cut very differently in the ass and thighs and it takes a lot of searching to find brands and styles that fit your lower body like a glove without weird bags or pooches in the fabric, especially near the tops of the thighs.

We also found a really fun Halloween superstore down there, but our shopping for more clothes was cut short by a trememdous rainstorm that left me literally soaked by the time I got to my truck and drove it back to pick up Raven where she was stranded inside the store. I drove home in nothing but my underwear because I didn't want my car seat getting soggy from my totally waterlogged clothes.

We found ourselves quite horny that night. I wore a slutty open-crotch fishnet halter neck catsuit for most of the night and did my best to get her very hot and bothered. Much to my eventual delight after she used a small delrin cane on my backsides until I was horny as hell, then she let me orgasm while fucking her, followed by me getting her off some more by going down on her.

Last night we went shopping again. I needed some more fishnet tights and we were looking for a more streamlined belt-pouch for her that would fit better with her more feminine/professional look these days. On our usual pass through Hot Topic, we got a very very cool set bed set (sheets, pillowcases, comforter) all done up in Nightmare Before Christmas graphics. Very gothic cool for the bedroom. I also got a great long-sleeve bright purple fishnet shirt, and the coolest, kinkiest, most fetishistic floor-length bondage duster I've ever seen. I can't even describe it. Maybe we'll take a pic the first time I get all dressed up in it and post it here. I can just imagine going out to a kinky party dressed only in that with some fishnet stockings, boots, and some kind of camisole underneath it and nothing else. There are long leg-length slits up the front side of the duster, so it will be easy to see my fishnet-clad legs as I walk in it but you have no idea what else might be underneath. Hee hee, I can't wait for the cooler weather so we can trot this thing out somewhere.

After last night's shopping, more sexy revelry, with both of us realizing and affirming to each other that things are a lot more spicy around the homestead when I don't slack off and dress all casual and guy-like just because I'm tired or it's been a long day or whatever. I foresee more emphasis put on "forced" cross-dressing in the relationship, with me essentially never allowed to be dressed up anything less than either very andro-femme or else overtly slutty, nasty feminine, whether at home or out in public. We both like the idea of me playing the teasing slut in social situations, especially if we ever manage to find compatible playmates or poly lovers.

Was a strange birthday. We were both sick with a nasty, persistent chest cold for the week before my birthday, and both still feeling less than 100% on my actual birthday. Raven decided that since wild sex and bdsm play wasn't something we were both up to, the best birthday present for me would be to let me have a large degree of free reign from Wednesday (my birthday) through Sunday. I got to choose what we did each day/night, and I didn't have to follow most of my usual protocols.

Raven was quite amused to find how difficult it was for me to drop many of my protocols, due partly to force of habit but partly because I like being the slave, LOL. I still exhibited a lot of "am I really allowed to just do this without asking your permission or opinion?"

So being less than our usual spunky selves, we spent a lot of time cuddling and going out to catch up on movies and having some nice dinners. By Saturday we were feeling frisky enough for some easy sex, so Raven woke me up with a nice blowjob (totally unexpected) but we otherwise had a mellow day. By Sunday we were both feeling much better and much more randy so I got to come twice that day: once in the shower from a spontaneous blowjob because Raven was getting quite turned on after two weeks of not getting any, and again later that night after she'd given me my birthday spanks and was nicely turned on. For my birthday spanks, I had to close my eyes and choose left hand or right hand while she held up several toys from our rack. The three I chose (paddle, tawse, and riding crop) were all used for each third of my spanks. At first I only had to count each swat and say "I love you Ma'am" when I was ready for the next one. By the time we were in the 20s, though, I had to sing Happy Birthday to myself, stop when she spanked me, count the spank number, say "I love you Ma'am," and then resume singing exactly where I left off.

LOL that was hard to do. As we were coming up on my final few spanks, she told me to end the next verse with the cliche ".... and many more....". I did so, and as you can expect she *then* laid into me with a sound thrashing, ROFL. After I'd already gotten my last official spank. Hehe. I had a nicely red booty after that and she came a whole bunch of times.

It was a great, relaxing, fun birthday. I'm spoiled rotten by her. ;)

is what it's commonly called, but to me, humiliation is about making someone feel devalued. Phoenix knows very well that I adore, respect & admire him utterly. I'd never want him to feel "less than", so this is more about *embarrassment* rather than humiliation-- pushing edges not of his self worth, but maybe of his hot buttons about privacy & public opinion. The emotional equivalent of a amusement park ride-- harmless if a bit scary.
As when I push his jealousy button.
He can see it's just a button to push because he *knows* (really really knows) that I'd never abandon him for anyone else & that taking care of his heart means more to me than anything.
He trusts me like that. Completely.
As I do him.
& so we do things that explore that trust. Things that might freak other people right out

-- Raven

Okay, there's only one problem with our new sidekick 2's. The built in
camera makes it too easy to take humuliating pictures of me while we are
out in public. After taking this shot of me wearing something extremely
embarrassing in Claire's, Raven asked me to try posting to the journal
here.

Me? I'm praying that LJ's post by email will strip off the photo. It's
just too horrible.
--Phoenix

( 1 image )

We had a very fun regional bdsm event this weekend, culminating in a fun outdoor picnic Sunday afternoon. The previous day, when all the seminars were being held, we were happy to see another local domme who is relatively new to town and who we both think is nice. Surprise, surprise! Whom did this domme have with her but her *daughter* who is also dominant, along her daughter's boy (who is alterna-androygnous like myself).

Well, now there's something you don't see very often. The daughter and her boy were nice folks too, and even better all three of them seem to be non-smokers. So I remarked to Raven later that night that it would be a fun fantasy situation to be topped by at the same time by Raven and the other two dommes.

Lo and behold, dreams *do* come true sometimes. On Sunday, the other domme, her daughter, and her daughter's boy all showed up at the picnic. At one point Raven asked the domme whether she and her daughter would like to help Raven top me for a scene. Next thing I know, I'm being laid face down on a large spanking bench outdoors under a tent, with lots of people around and a really good live band playing within throwing distance. Raven and the two dommes proceeded to give me a very fun ride for what seemed like a good 30 minutes at least.

First Raven warmed me up with a paddle, a flogger, and I think the dog quirt, on my ass and back. The domme stepped in and worked my back a bit with the heavy flogger, and boy was I surprised. I expected her to start light since she'd never played with me before, but she laid right on in with very strong, thuddy strokes. Raven worked my back some more with the dog quirt, laying those sharp stings on top of my already well-reddened back. Then the daughter took a turn with a small multi-rod delrin cane (meant for genital torture mostly), but she used it on my back like a flogger, hitting fairly hard and drawing through fully rather than just laying the rods into the skin. Now *that* hurt! At one point in there, Raven was holding my head against her crotch while the other two worked on my ass. Mmmmm, yummy!

Now they were good and warmed up and Raven played a guessing game. I had to close my eyes and guess which of them was doing something to me. I was doing pretty well, actually, because they all had a distinct feel to their approach with a given toy. But I was stumped at one point and it turned out to be a fourth person I didn't know who did some very expert flogging on the soles of my feet.

Next, the domme and her daughter worked on me just a little more while Raven showed me some really scary vampire claws that someone had lent her. Raven then teased up and down my body with the claws, ending with some playful poking of my balls, which was getting me pretty scared. Some other dom nearby was flashing a big bowie knife in my face at the same time. Y'all know I'm really freaked by pointy things, right? So Raven proceeds to make a big deal of grabbing my balls and fully enveloping them with the vampire claws and pulling my balls hard behind me. I was giggling like mad with increasingly hysterical endorphin-primed giggles, and finally was screaming in a high girly voice about 3 octaves higher than I thought I was capable of doing. LOL. (Later Raven admitted to me that she had psyched me and taken off the claws for that last bit, using just her real fingernails. She certainly fooled me!)

Finally, Raven felt like I had enough, but I was flying high on endorphins so I brattily egged her on with a "aw, is that all, Ma'am?" LOL, she of course then really gave it to me with the dog quirt and explicit instructions that I could not ask for her to stop, under any conditions. Then she proceeded to really lay into my back and then (horrors!) my calves, which weren't warmed up at all. Well, you can deduce that I survived that last bit, but not without some serious marks on my lower legs, hehe.

Just when I think it's over, someone else says, "hey, we should try this on him!" Raven gasps, then comes around and squats down in front of me so she can look me in the eyes. Are you okay? Can you take one more thing for me? I won't lie to you, it's gonna be really, really bad." I asked her to please go through with it. "Are you really sure?" she asks. "Can you do this for me? Remember what your collar means?" I told her it means "everything". So she braces my hands, looks at the people behind me, and says "okay, do it."

Silly string. All over my back, ass, balls, and legs. Relieved, I did my best Gollum immitation: "NOOOOOOO! How it burnses us! Please Master! It burnses us! Get it off! Get it offfffffff!"

We had a nice Monday off together, due to the Labor day holiday. The weekend was mostly relaxing other than a lot of housework on Sunday. Despite all the housework, we managed to have sex twice that day. Raven was feeling randy after we woke up, and we snuggled for so long that I came out of my usual morning zombie state and was responsive to her sexual energy. Then later that afternoon, before we got involved with housework, Raven threw me down again for another round. Since she had already let me come once that morning, she had planned to not let me come that second time, but something about my energy made her relent and want me to come inside her again. Yay for me!

As usual, though, Raven always asks me what I was fantasizing about when I orgasm. Since I was going to meet the Cat the next day (for the first time ever), The whole potential poly triangle was weighing on my mind. Now, I've been in threesomes before, so I normally am fine with sharing and even quite like watching my significant other with another guy. But for various reasons, I've felt mistrustful and protective of the whole deal with the Cat. Part of my psychological strategy for dealing with jealousy and protectiveness is to go 180 degrees the opposite direction by making myself submissive to, or otherwise cuckolded by, the person of whom I'm jealous. So my fantasies both involved the Cat in one way or another.

In the first fantasy, Raven stimulated it by talking about another femdom we met recently to whom I'm attracted. Raven vocalized a fantasy where she and the other femdom were co-topping me and having their fun with me, and I embellished in my head by visualizing Raven and the other femdom having fun with me and the Cat. No special scenario, just a bunch of vignettes flashing by. Me and the Cat eating the dommes out at the same time. Both dommes having sex with the Cat while I watched in bondage, with the Cat blowing his load on my face at the end while the dommes whipped me. The dommes making me me keep him hard and wet with my mouth while he took turns fucking each of them, with me taking his orgasm in my mouth after they had had their fill. The Cat fucking me in the ass while each domme made me eat her pussy. Etc. You can see the "bottom boy" pattern with cuckolding a heavy theme.

In the second fantasy later that afternoon, It was just me, Raven, and the Cat with more of the same themes. The twist this time was less sexual and more situational. I saw myself making special efforts to put on sexy makeup and dress *very* sexy whenever he was about to come hang with us. Me having to be very pleasing and flirtatious with him, basically trying my damnedest to turn him on and make him feel horny and sexy. As if I were a partner in crime with Raven. Another sexy "girl" to tease him with. And this time the vignettes were mostly about cuckolding. The Cat got all the attention and all the sexual pleasure, often with me giving oral to him or having him fuck me in the ass. I just got to be frustrated at the same time I am putting out energy to turn him on.

All this is just my psyche's way of killing the alpha male urge in me to be protective of Raven. But it's fun in its kinky way too. It's nice when coping mechanisms are fun instead of self-defeating.

Current Mood: hot and bothered